Finding myself again - My setback to my comeback

When beginning my journey into pet photography in 2021, I never imagined just a year later I would enter one of my biggest mental breakdowns possible. By 2022, I felt like a failure, I felt like my life was going nowhere and all my traumas and difficulties of my past began to haunt me.

I ended up becoming open to my Mental Health Team in February 2022, where I was placed under a service called Home Treatment Team, at the time I was prescribed Venlafaxine and Diazepam to help me with my panic attacks. During this time I still tried to find time to do my pet shoots and enjoy it - but I was struggling tremendously. I was working full time and on my rest days I was exhausted, nothing brought me joy anymore. I also acknowledged there was something different about me, so through my GP I asked for a referral to the ADHD and Autism service because I knew I was always different from my peers and spent a lifetime struggling due to it.

Just days after my 25th Birthday, I was given the diagnosis of Emotionally Unstable Personality Disorder (EUPD), I was in disbelief, firstly and mainly, one of the main diagnostics criteria is unstable relationships, and I couldn’t relate to this, at the time I had been with my boyfriend almost 7 years and we very rarely argued, another symptom is Explosive Anger, again, something I could not relate to, as I was very reserved and only really got angry at myself, I never took my hurt out on other people, yes, I could get easily upset and defensive, but never angry, explosive or aggressive, and finally, another one I couldn’t relate to, Self-Harm, something at the time I never did, however I had intensive urges at the time to just leave the world there and then.

Suddenly, by April 2022, I did something that required me to go to hospital, and get checked out, fortunately I was OK, but because my depression was getting significantly worse, Home Treatment decided it was only right I go into hospital for a period of assessment, so I went informally for a week. It was definitely a unique experience, and not the best. I was crying every day and felt so alone. The room was comfortable and the staff were lovely but I witnessed some very, very poorly people, and I felt like an imposter being there, so on my medical review, it was agreed I go home and be put under Home Treatment Team, so under this impression I went home.

That was not the case. Home Treatment decided there was no active role they could supply me, I felt my emotions getting more intense, but they then advised me I’ve been referred for a CPN (Community Psychiatric Nurse) who I can see regularly, so I agreed, it brought me comfort. When I came out of hospital, there was a situation in my life I needed help with, through Women’s Aid about past trauma, at the time, I wasn’t ready to report it to the police, and I was very emotionally unstable that Women’s Aid didn’t feel it was appropriate to take me on, again, I couldn’t understand why, and tried to argue for them to help me, all in the meantime, my workplace at the time continued to add to my stress, by giving me more work, not allowing me to take a period of fixed shifts to help me get a routine back, and piling more and more work and pressure on me. It all got too much. By June 2022, I decided I needed a new job, and Mental Health is where I need to be - at the same time, a situation happened at my workplace that would change me forever, all whilst leading up to it, invading my privacy when I was in calls with Women’s aid and other. At one stage, I went on lunch, never to return, and had to be taken to hospital by the police due to concerns, I was seen, assessed, and sent home, but every time I had a call, privacy wasn’t really given.

I lost my voice, so couldn’t do my usual role, but I was able to do admin, so I tried to encourage them to let me come in and do admin work, if I had more absence I would trigger a stage 2 and I didn’t want this, but my workplace wasn’t having any of it, and suddenly I was in the office with my Manager and Manager Lead raising their voices at me, telling me to go home, and made threats to me, I walked out in tears, I decided enough was enough, I was going to end my life - except I couldn’t, I was going on a hen-do abroad 3 days later, I can’t let others down.

Months passed and I went through ACAS, there was no reasonable outcome with my job, but by November 2022, I was offered a job, 30 hours a week, Monday to Friday, in hours that offered me structure, I went for it, the wages I got was the same, and I was doing less hours and getting more perks, and that job was an Administration Officer for the Mental Health Liaison Service, and to this day, that job has been the biggest blessing of my life. I was finally able to get my life on track, but not without taking my previous workplace through a tribunal.

Unfortunately, all my trauma’s, and now the stress from my previous workplace denying everything got too much for me, so in 2023, my breakdown continued, I ended up in hospital every other week, I had police take me to place of safety several times where I required Mental Health Act Assessments (MHAA), I ended up in hospital 3 times in the space of 2 months in the Summer of 2023. I just wanted it all to end. Between my first and second admission of 2023, I decided to finally report my abuse to the police, and Women’s Aid became involved and offered me support, but I wasn’t alone, I had other survivors come with me to report it too. Finally, we are getting somewhere, but now I am likely to have two court cases ahead of me which I am the victim, my Tribunal, and my Abuse. It was hard to focus on the good.

Throughout 2023, things just kept going from bad to worse, I decided, it was time to come off all my medication, by now, I was on Mirtazapine, Pregabalin, and I had been on Quetiapine, but it was making me worse, I never ended up in hospital until I was on medication, so I stopped it all by Autumn 2023, and slowly, but surely, I began to come alive again. Fortunately, in June 2023, I had my ADHD assessment through Psychiatry UK, after my local trust declined me Twice, further adding to my distress, but Psychiatry UK finally confirmed I do have ADHD, and all my life I have been masking and trying to be someone who I’m not, I lied to myself for 26 years of my life, and now I can finally be who I am again.

By November, me and my previous workplace came to a mutual decision, and Tribunal was cancelled after we reached a reasonable agreement, the stress it took off me was unmeasurable, finally, I can focus on this job now and keep moving forward, but I was still struggling, the paranoia of being watched and them trying to find anything to trap me was overwhelming, so for a few months I still had my guard up and was still in and out of hospital. It’s all too much.

The lead up to Christmas, I finally felt myself becoming more stable again and getting my life back, but days after Christmas, I ended back up in hospital twice, my feelings of emptiness, and disassociation was back. I was determined to bounce back, and my last hospital visit for Mental Health was the 4th January, 2024 - I wanted to not end up in hospital in the new year and a few days in, I thought I’d let myself down entirely, but I didn’t want to let it define me, and my determination to get better just got stronger.

Throughout all this, just as I finally felt myself stable out and I was starting to love me again, January 28th, 2024, I ended up in Hospital with a temperature of 40 Degrees, where blood tests ruled out my kidneys were malfunctioning, I had a stage 2 Acute Kidney Injury (AKI), AKI only goes in 3 stages, 1 requires monitoring and plenty of fluids, 2 is immediate treatment via IV fluids until it returns to normal, and 3 is immediate treatment with IV fluids hoping it works, or dialysis, and potential Kidney Failure. I decided, if I didn’t laugh, I’d cry. But I had a rapid recovery, and went back home after 14 hours in hospital.

February 2024, I finally began my titration of ADHD medication - Methylphenidate, and although I am still titrating on, I’m not quite on a dose yet that is working. But there has been changes. Then in March, I decided to book some holidays, this is the year I make up for all that lost time, so I booked to go to Vienna in April, Dublin in May, and although I booked it last year, I have a 2 Week Cruise in June and July to look forward to. I brought the Canon EOS R5 which is incredible, and a 2x Extender as well as an EF-RF attachment so I can use my lenses all in one. I decided then, a few weeks ago, to have a quick blood MOT, just to ensure I haven’t left myself with permanent damage from my 2 years of turbulent mental health and ensure I’m all Healthy to start my holidays, but I was left disappointed as my Kidney’s are malfunctioning again, this time I have an AKI Stage 1, so in a few more weeks I require more bloods to make sure it’s gone back to normal, but the worry still consumes me. As well as that, my neutrophil count was high which indicates my body is fighting an infection, but I have no symptoms, so I saw my GP, did a quick sample where I came up with Leukocytes, and that was sent off for sampling, where no active UTI was found but my white blood count is abnormal, which links to the Kidneys.

So, for now, I don’t know where I stand with my Kidneys, but my doctor has reassured me I can still enjoy my holidays, and when I come back from Vienna, I’m to repeat a blood test in hope it’s all normal. Unfortunately, I have spent 20 years of my life struggling with Chronic UTI’s and on waiting lists for tests to find out why, all my scans so far have shown no abnormality. But, it explains why, the last 2 weeks I have had a bit of a mental health decline, as UTI/Kidney problems always make me feel low. However, with determination, I am coming back, I am visiting Zoo’s again (you can find my images in the Other Photo section of my website), I am finding myself, and I am taking it one day at a time. I am starting an Access Course in Science in May to work toward my dream of being a Mental Health Occupational Therapist and gradually work towards a PhD, and whilst photography is my passion, it is my therapy, it is my life, I made the decision to only do pet shoots between the months of April and October to ensure all my clients get the best weather, and the best images, whilst giving me a break in the Autumn and Winter to focus on my self development and primary career.

So, whilst every day may not be sunny, I’ve learnt to find the light even in the darkest of moments, and show that recovery is possible, whilst continuing to do the things I love, for the animals I adore. EUPD and ADHD is a part of me, and not all of me. I am kind, I am hard working, I am passionate in everything I do, and I am humble. I am great with animals, and I am aware circumstances change, and that’s why I want to ensure that on every shoot I do with your pet, I’m not just there to take pictures of your pet, I’m there to get to know them, their personalities, their fears (if any), and work with you too, to give you the comfort and confidence you need to know that my pride is photography, and your experience is vital to me. I’ve had my set backs, but now I’m on my come back. Welcome Home.